Silent Killers

Hard to Love

If you have your Bibles, I’d like to invite you to turn with me to Proverbs chapter 13. Proverbs 13. If you don’t know where everything is yet, Proverbs is right past Psalms, which is right smack dab in the middle. Proverbs chapter 13. We’re in a series. This is week number two of a series that we have entitled Hard to Love. And the idea of the series is we’re just trying to be as practical as we can, giving you tools, real tools for real relationships.

And I know for the seven of you in here that would say, can we talk about something deep? Can we do deep theology? We want something, we want something deep. Look, I like deep theology, but did you know it’s not a pastor’s job only to entertain you? Number two, it’s not our job only to teach you theology. What our job is to teach you the Jesus way and to help you live the Jesus way. And with that comes theology. Hopefully, some of that with that comes entertainment. But what also comes with that is practical advice.

Real Practical Ways

And so what we’re trying to do is we’re trying to distill down the sacred timeless Jesus way into practical things that you can do and implement in your life. And so we’re talking about relationships, and because for us, we think if someone falls away from the Christian faith, if someone falls away from Christian community, sometimes I guess maybe it has something to do with theology, but most of the time it has to do with interpersonal conflict. Like that the reason that people leave Christian community is hardly ever a disagreement on women in ministry or what’s type it’s not like it’s not like theological issues, it’s interpersonal issues.

And so what we need to do at least once every couple of years is spend a few weeks trying to equip you in real practical ways on how to make the most of relationships. And so we want you to know that this series is not just about one type of relationships, it’s not just about marriage. Of course, it applies to marriage, but maybe you’re dating, maybe a relationship with your best friend, with your boss, with your coworkers, with your children, with your parents, with your family members, that there are eternal, timeless biblical truths that apply not just to one type of relationship, but all relationships. And so that’s what we’re talking about.

Silent Killers

You know, years ago, my wife and I, we were house shopping. And so we, you know, got access to the MLS, you know, where you go and you can look at all the different houses. And so we found this house that was next, pretty close to where we were living, but it was like this incredible, gorgeous two-story house. It was big, it had a massive backyard. And what was amazing about the house, though, really, is that it was in our price range. And so we’re thinking, like, something, you know, the phrase, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

And so we’re looking at this house, it’s like there’s no way we should be able to live in a house like that. What’s the deal? Because we could buy this right now. And so we call our realtor, tell them the situation, and so they do a little bit of research, and she looks it up online. We’ll come to find out the reason that the house was as cheap as it was, because she said there was significant termite damage. And so she told me and Jordan, and we’re like, that’s fine. Like, we can’t even see in the walls. We’ll stay in our area, they’ll stay in their area. Like, what’s the maybe they’ll eat other bugs and it’ll be a blessing.

Well, we said, well, okay, well, our dad knows a lot, my dad knows a lot about construction, so I’ll ask Dana about it. And so I asked dad, okay, so what do you think? What do you think? Termites, is that a big deal? I don’t think that’s a big deal, right? My dad says, son. Yes. Sun. He says, Termites are what we in the business call silent killers. He says, you can’t, he says, you can’t see them, usually. You can’t hear them, usually, but they are they are destroying the foundational structure of what makes a house a house.

And so if you don’t deal with them, in some situations, termite damage can become so bad that they have to tear the house down. Because the house, while it might look pretty on the outside, it’s destroyed on the inside. And I think relationships are a lot like that. Did you know that relationships, you can have a relationship that looks great on the outside? You come to church, you hold hands, oh, praise the Lord. You know, everything looks great. Everyone assumes everything is so incredible. But if not dealt with wisely, there are silent killers that can come into a relationship, all kinds of relationships, and do damage, not on the outside, but do damage on the inside.

Five Silent Killers of Relationships

And it’s not until much later that you realize that the damage has already been done and the house has to be destroyed. And so I’m wanting to talk about silent killers. You know, some people in here might I’m I’m not pointing any fingers. Okay? Look, all my fingers. Some of you are always looking for new relationships because you don’t know how to care for the relationships that you already have. Like, who’s in your life right now that was also in your life five years ago? Oh, nobody. Okay, well, then this sermon is for you. There’s no condemnation in Christ Jesus, but this sermon is for you.

Because it’s not always about getting new relationships, it’s about learning to care for the right relationships. And so what I have for you this morning, I’m gonna fly through them. I’ve got five silent killers of relationships. These are relationship killers. And if you’re taking notes, I want you to write these down. If you’re not taking notes, I want you to write these down. Pull out your phone. Just open a notes app, do something, but write them down. Five killers, and I’m just trying to be practical. This is practical.

Unmet Expectations

Number one, a silent killer, unmet expectations. Unmet expectations. Look at this. Proverbs chapter 13, verse 12.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Sometimes it’s not what people do that’s the problem. It’s what you’re expecting them to do is the problem. I like to think of unmet expectations. It’s like a it’s like a trap that we set for ourselves. Right? So we buy the trap, we open the trap, we put the bait in the trap, and then we step in the trap. It doesn’t take anyone else. It’s expectations that you set that aren’t met, and you only hurt yourself.

You might think, okay, I need some examples. Okay. Just because you helped your neighbor move doesn’t mean they’re gonna help you move. Right? Like, and you never communicated it. Right? Like maybe they will, but you never communicated that you were gonna be paid back for that help, but you just assumed it. Right? So it was an unmet expectation. And I think there’s I think there’s two types of unmet expectations. Again, I’ve got lots of lists, so take notes if you’d like. Two types of unmet expectations.

I think the number one is this unrealistic expectations. Unrealistic expectations. So what we see in the pastoral side is sometimes people will grow up together. Like let’s say they grow up in youth group together. Me and Jesse McDermott, right? We grow up, and then Jesse all of a sudden he starts dating this gross girl, Christine. And we’re used to hanging out like four times a week. Right? And now all of a sudden Jesse can’t hang out as much. Now all of a sudden he can hang out maybe once or twice because they’re going on dates. Right?

And so, and so like relationships change, and it can it can cause stress when the expectation that we place on the other person isn’t realistic. Maybe maybe it was realistic, but it’s not realistic anymore. I see this this happens for us as pastors all the time. I call it the pastor math problem. It’s this so we have a relationship with the people that attend our church, and we want to love them the best that we can. On any, there’s about you know four four hundred and eighty of you, something. And so we have this list of all of these people, and so we want to care for everybody, but sometimes people get mad when they’re expecting something from us that’s just not realistic, right?

Because if we had a church of four people, like we can talk to you all every day, but you can’t talk to 400, you can’t have a monthly lunch with 480 people. You just can’t do it, you know, and so and so like I can’t text all of you on your birthday. It’s not because I don’t want to, it’s just, and like if you stop coming to church for a couple weeks, I’m probably not gonna notice. And it’s not because I don’t care, it’s not because I don’t love you, it’s just a math issue. I was joking with a friend. I said it like this like let’s say you have a cat that comes to your house every day, and the cat stops coming. Well, you’re probably gonna notice, right?

But now let’s say you have 300 cats that come to your house every day, and one stops coming, and you’re and your job is not to count the cats. Well, you’re not gonna notice. It’s just an unrealistic expectation. And that might be like a dumb example, but I’ll tell you, unrealistic expectations spoil all kinds of relationships. Right? Where people will start dating and they’re expecting the person to make them happy. This is an unrealistic expectation, right? It’s no one else’s job to make you happy. And the longer you delay the process of finding your satisfaction in your relationship with God, the longer you’ll stress out your relationships because you put unrealistic expectations on people.

The other kind of unmet expectation is this uncommunicated expectations. Uncommunicated expectations. So we do premarital counseling. We’ve got Don and Berner right here. They’ve led our premarital counseling ministry for years and years and years. Absolutely incredible. My wife and I, we did premarital counseling with them. And I bet they would tell you, I won’t speak for them, so I’m just imagining what they say. They might say one of the things that’s great about premarital counseling is that you get to get your expectations out on the table.

So that you can say, so like middle schoolers, plug your ears for 30 seconds, okay? If one of you are going into the marriage expecting to have sex three times a day, and the other person expecting to have sex three times a year, there’s gonna be a problem, and you just come in and you never communicate your expectations, it destroys relationships. And like your kids, maybe your kid goes to college, and you know, and yeah, and now you’re at your house by yourself, just you and your stinky husband. I can’t believe and you’re expecting your kid to call you four times a week, and they don’t.

Well, did you ever say that? Did you ever communicate your expectations? And so I’ll say this it takes courage to be clear. But clarity heals broken relationships. And so maybe sometimes people feel stress and they resent each other. And the reason is this is they have expectations that they’ve never communicated. This is true in marriages, this is true in friendships, this is true with your boss. Oh, I hate my boss, I can’t believe he always blah blah blah. It’s like, well, have you ever communicated that? It’s like, no, okay, communicating expectations, unmet expectations is a killer.

So the solution, the solution to unmet expectations. I’ve got them on the screen, write them down. Number one is this stop expecting to be paid back for every kind act. Just stop it. You know what I mean? Like, like when you do something nice, do it because you want to, not because you’re creating an unspoken debt. Like they owe me because I did that. Number two, solution. Allow relationships to have natural rhythms. Like again, I think about some of my best friends in the room. Like I’ve got David Goldman here, I’ve got Jessie. Some of these people I’ve been friends with for decades, and we’ll not talk to each other for a month all the time.

It’s not only because we’re boys. It is because we’re boys, but it’s not only because we’re boys. Relationships can have rhythms. It’s okay. Like you don’t have to communicate with somebody every day for a relationship to be healthy. But that they can have different rhythms. Some like if I don’t talk to my wife every day, well, that’s probably a problem. But if I don’t talk to my barber, Solomon every day, that’s probably okay. We see each other every two weeks and a church. And that’s okay. It’s a natural rhythm.

Lastly, on this point, communicate what you hope for. Stop assuming people can read your mind. If something matters to you, say it. If something husbands, if something matters to you, say it. Wives, if something matters to you, say it. Friends, employees. Okay, unmet expectations.

Negative Assumptions

Number two is this negative assumptions. And I’m, you know, I’m smiling because all of these points have faces. I’m picturing all your faces. That’s why it’s so fun. Negative assumptions. Look at this. First Corinthians chapter 13, verse 6.

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

You know, your brain, I don’t know if you’ve thought about it like this, but your brain is incredible. Like your brain is a meaning-making machine. Everywhere you look, you’re making creating meaning out of things. Like I don’t think about like the constellations in the stars. Right? So it’s like maybe God deliberately made the stars in like particular shapes, you know, that’s like God’s like, look, a bear, look, but that’s what we do, right? So we just see stars, and we’re like, that looks like a big soup spoon. That looks like a guy’s belt. It’s just like, it’s just three stars that just happen to be straight. It’s like, oh, that’s a bear, that’s a lion.

And it’s like we find we find dots, and we connect the dots to create meaning. And so if we so if you have like two events, you’ll connect them, you’ll find a way to create a connection. And it’s actually an incredible gift, right? Like the ability to find patterns and create meaning, it’s really beautiful. But at the same time, it can be a curse in relationships. Why? Because you don’t understand everything about somebody else, right? And so what you don’t, and so sometimes you just don’t know. And so you see someone, and you’re like, okay, I know this, and I know this, and I know this, but there’s a lot of other stuff that you don’t know, and so what people do, if they’re not wise, is this they’ll fill in the gaps, and usually they fill in the gaps with fiction.

Right because you know three things, and so then you start to narrate and fill in the gaps and connect the dots with stuff that you don’t know. Give me an example. Okay, so let’s say you’re scrolling Instagram, and you see three of your friends having coffee, and so there’s a few things that you know. You have three friends. They drink coffee, you’re not there. Okay. So you know all of those things. That’s all you know, though. You don’t know nothing. But what do you do? Well, you see, well, there’s some so you fill in the gaps. You’re like, oh, it’s probably you know, they probably were planning this, and they thought it would be more fun without me.

They’re probably talking about me. This is probably because of that thing that happened over Christmas. They’re probably figuring out how to cut me out of their fr. And it’s like like you create this entire conspiracy in your mind, right? And so it’s about it’s about assuming the worst instead of believing the best. We take we take one action and we jump straight to someone’s motives and character. Right? And that’s like that’s a that’s a 101 skill that you have to have if you want a relationship to work is that I if me and Jordan are arguing about something, I can say what she did, and I can take issue with what she did.

What I don’t do is pretend to understand her motives in what she does. That’s amateur. So so you can say, I understood. They said something mean. What I don’t do is this. Oh, well, they always they never think about my feelings, they’re always so selfish. It’s because of a blah blah blah. It’s assuming, it’s filling in the gaps of information that you don’t have with negative stuff. Truth is black and white, relationships aren’t right. People are complex, situations are complex, but negative assumptions oversimplify complex situations.

Okay, so what’s the solution? Are you ready? Consider multiple possibilities. Consider like and catch yourself when you’re writing fiction. When you find yourself creating a story, like stop and say, like, well, I don’t know what I don’t know. It could be this, it could be that. It could, it could be that my friends all hate me, or it could be that they just happen to see each other at Starbucks. You know, like maybe they did plan on excluding you, maybe they didn’t. Maybe your spouse is ignoring you, or maybe they’re dealing with something at work that they haven’t told you yet.

Right? And so you can consider multiple possibilities. Ask, here’s a solution. Ask instead of assume. Ask instead of assume. Proverbs chapter 18, verse 13 says this.

To answer before listening, that is folly and shame.

To answer before listening, that’s folly and shame. So instead of writing stories in your head, ask questions. Create dialogue instead of narrative. Seek understanding before judgment. And here’s something that I hope might help some of the people. Like, people aren’t thinking about you. You know, when you’re like playing out these scenarios, oh, it’s because they secretly hate me. And it’s like just know this. People aren’t thinking about you nearly as much as you either hope or fear.

You know what I mean? Like, sometimes I’ve got a seven-year-old that she’ll be like, Dad, the bottom of my pants are dirty. And I’m like, no one cares about your pants. No one’s thinking about your pants. I’ll tell, I’ll tell Grace. They’re thinking about their own pants. Don’t think about like, you know what I mean? Like for me. Like, I’m thinking about, oh, my hair, you know, blah, blah, blah. And it’s like, but but then I’ll say, you people aren’t thinking about my hair, you’re thinking about your hair. You’re thinking about your own hair. You know what I mean? And so just catch yourself. When you start filling in gaps that you don’t know, that’s an easy way for the enemy to come in and create an issue where there wasn’t an issue.

The Rumor Mill

Unmet expectations, negative assumptions. Number three, the rumor mill. The rumor mill. What I’m talking about is this gossip. Gossip. And I want it. Jordan and I, when we were talking about the list, we liked the rumor mill because we didn’t want older folks or men to assume that we’re not talking about you. We are. We’re like, oh, that’s just catty girls. This is catty girls. That’s catty girls and catty boys. It’s both. Listen to this. Proverbs chapter 18, verse 8.

The words of a gossip are like choice morsels. They go down to the inmost parts.

Isn’t that interesting? Gossip is like choice morsels. What does that mean? It’s like it’s like that perfect bite of steak. Like filet mignon, it’s just like, oh, it’s just salty and meaty. It’s just perfect. It’s just like so delicious when it goes down. And they say, and that’s what gossip’s like. When you take in gossip, it’s ah, it’s delicious. And it just is. Like, like people, if you’re being honest, I think if people think, why are you talking about people behind their back? The primary reason is entertainment. It’s just fun.

There’s this German word, I don’t know if y’all know it, Schadenfreud. Big old word. It doesn’t have an English equivalent. You know what the word means? It’s the pleasure that we get from someone else’s pain. I think it’s one of the worst tendencies of humankind that there’s just something delicious about someone else going through something. It just is. And like hit me with an example. Okay, if you’ve got two kids, one of them gets in huge trouble. Like, oh, and imagine Ivy gets in huge trouble. Both of your parents are screaming at him. What are you gonna be doing? Like a demonic little grin.

Because there’s something incredible about your brother or sister getting in trouble. It’s just it’s just it’s just fun. Like at our house, we love America’s funniest home videos. Because there’s just something so satisfying about seeing people fall on their butt. It’s just so fun. Like I don’t, I don’t know why. But you know, like I don’t want to see good things happen to people. I don’t care about that. I want bad things to happen to people. That look, that’s what gossip ticks that little box in you. Where it’s like, I could say, oh my gosh, did you hear one of the teenagers got pregnant? You’re just stop everything. Who is it?

Like what what is that in you? What is that in you that takes pleasure in someone else’s misfortune? That’s gossip. Entertainment, but also this, let me say this gossip makes people feel powerful. Because you get to be like in the know where other people don’t know stuff, you get to control the narrative, and you get to feel superior over other people. It’s like having a like a currency of information that you get to spend. Makes you feel powerful. If you can be talking about, oh, you talk about her all day, that’s a way for you to get back at her. That costs you nothing. But gossiping makes you feel powerful.

Lastly, gossip makes you feel connected. It’s like, it’s like a false, evil way of connecting with other people. Oh, can you believe her? Can you believe what she wore? Oh, I heard she blank. She’s always blank, blank, blank. And my friend said she was like blank. And as weird as that sounds, like that connects me with the person I’m talking to. And some people don’t have anything positive to say, but they want to communicate and they want to connect. And so all they know how to do is to say something negative about somebody else. And it’s like a demonic way of trying to connect with other people.

Like you see it probably at an office. You know, like everyone’s there, it’s super stressful, but man, like around the water cooler, we can all agree that nobody likes Bob. Ooh, Bob. What’s Bob’s problem, right? God, what’s up with Bob? Did you say what? Why does Bob smell like that? Why does he dress like that? It’s so weird. What does he put that on his door? And what am I doing? I’m I’m connecting with someone in a way. Problem is it’s like one of the foundational problems of the world. Blaming other people.

So why is gossip so damaging? Listen to this. If you believe gossip, you’ll make bad decisions. You’ll make judgment calls based on things that aren’t true. Right. So let’s say my friend Preston here in the second row. Let’s imagine there’s all kinds of gossip going around press. I don’t know who would gossip about you, Preston, but let’s just imagine. All kinds of gossip about Preston, and so I’m hearing, oh, Preston, this, did you know the press of the? I hear, well, like when he’s not at church, he’s he talked like this, and blah, blah. And if I’m like hearing all of that stuff, well, then I’m gonna make judgment calls based on my relationship with him, based on things that aren’t true.

So you make bad decisions if you entertain and spread gossip. Number two, gossip corrupts the listener and the speaker. Proverbs 18:8. What we already read, the words of a gossip are like choice morsels. Look at the second the second part. They go down to the inmost part. In the original Hebrew, it literally means it goes down into your soul. That gossip goes down, it changes you, changes something on the inside of you. That you feel so comfortable being the judge of other people. It makes you smaller, it makes you more suspicious, and it ultimately makes you less loving.

Lastly, the problems with gossip is it makes you untrustworthy to other people. I’m sure y’all know this, but if if they’re willing to talk to you about them, they’re probably gonna be willing to talk to them about you. People aren’t stupid. And so so they learn who the gossips are, and it’s fun, it’s fun to be a surface-level friend with a gossip. But nobody trusts a gossip. And so someone who has a problem with gossip, they’re gonna have lots of surface-level friends because they’re the they’re the they’re the tabloid of the church. They’re gonna have lots of surface-level friends, but they’re gonna struggle with deep, meaningful relationships because people don’t trust them.

Okay, so what’s the solution to the rumor mill? Number one, you can write it down. If you wouldn’t say it to them, don’t say it about them. I know it feels like you’re in a youth group right now, but if you wouldn’t say it to them, don’t say it about them. Like if they’re not in the room, don’t talk about them. Right? And you might be thinking, is there Pastor, is there ever a time to talk about someone behind their back? Yes. Like that’s the truth. There is a time when you’re maybe genuinely seeking counsel. Right? Like you come into counseling and you’re talking about an issue, like you can talk about someone.

You’re genuinely seeking a way to find someone, to help someone. Like maybe you have a friend and you need to find a way. How are we going to help him? The difference though is the motivation. Are you talking about a person so that you can help? Or are you talking about a person to entertain yourself? Right? Like if I’m just telling someone who’s in no position to give me advice or in any position to help the situation, I’m just doing it because it feels good. Because I like steak. Because I like eating delicious gossip. And so the solution is that if you wouldn’t say it to them, don’t say it about them.

Next, have direct conversations. Jesus actually tells us this in Matthew chapter 18. I don’t know if you know that. But he says, if someone sins against you, go and talk to Oh, them. Oh, talk to them. Yeah, I thought I stopped reading it. Go talk, right? If someone’s wrong, you go talk. No, go talk to them, not about them. To them. Choose to have conversations with people instead of about people. And here’s a little trick. I’ve been I’ve been doing this. You can try it on, see if it works. If someone comes to me and I feel like what they’re doing is they’re gossiping about something, and they say something like, oh, and so then they said, blah, blah, blah.

I’ll say, stop it right there. Who specifically said that? Who specifically said? Oh, well, they said, they said she’s always, blah, blah, blah. Who’s they? Specifically, who told you that? And you’d be amazed at how fast the conversation changes.

The Resentment Cycle

Number one, unmet expectations. Two, negative assumptions. Three, the rumor bill. Number four is this, the resentment cycle. The resentment cycle. Hebrews chapter 12 and verse 15 says this

See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God, and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

You know what I think is fascinating? Did you know that it’s possible to feel two opposite emotions about the same person? I’ve experienced. I bet every but everyone who’s been married has experienced this. Right, like it’s possible to feel, you can feel you can simultaneously love someone and resent them. That’s possible. So like you you can be sitting at a dinner table, enjoying someone, sitting with someone you genuinely love while simultaneously harboring deep resentment toward them. You can laugh together, you can pray together, but you still have this undercurrent of resentment that’s poisoning the relationship in small ways.

And so, if you’re thinking, what’s resentment? Well, I did a whole series two years ago called You’re Too Blessed to Be Bitter. You can Google it. You’re too blessed to be bitter. But the way that I described resentment in relationships is like this. So imagine a plate that has a candle on it, and you and you light the can and some wax drips on the plate, and you don’t clean it off. And then you get another candle and then you put it on there, and the can, and then it’s just like over time, there’s like this layer of wax that develops on this plate. That’s what I think like resentment is. It’s like over time, just a tiny, and it happens from years of partial forgiveness.

Where you forgive 99% of the way. So it’s cool, it’s not an issue, you know. You know, you can still love each other, you still, you know, you still you still talk, you still have a good time, but you forgave 99%, and you don’t even know that you still kept that 1% in you. And 1%’s fine. Like you can still survive, but then it’s like 1%, and then three months later, it’s another 1%. And then it’s another 1%. It’s another 1%. And then before you know it, it’s like there is this wax that has caused the relationship to grow cold. Why? Because of one thing? No. Because of years of small, undealt with issues that over time compound.

1% unforgiveness builds up. And you might be thinking, like, okay, well, how can you tell? Here’s how I think you can tell if you resent someone is that your reactions to them are bigger than they should be. So, like, you know, something that should be a two out of ten. Like, okay, that was a little rude thing that they said, but that’s okay. I’m gonna, you know, it’s like a two out of ten. But if you have resentment, then you start treating twos like sevens. Right, and it’s all of a sudden it’s like a tiny little thing, like your spouse leaves a dish in the sink and like you’re ticked.

It’s like, what’s the big deal? It’s it’s just because years and years and years, your coworker asks you a simple question, but you’re ticked. Because years and years and years, when you find yourself having outsized reactions, it’s usually not about the situation, it’s about all the layers of wax that have built up over time. And I can’t tell you how many people pull out of relationships that are good, that are healthy, just because they never learned how to deal with the tiny levels of wax that can build up over their heart over time.

I love doing, I love doing weddings, I love talking with new married couples. And look, I’ll tell you this, man. When when you get married, your hearts are tender towards each other. That’s so beautiful. But man, I bet there’s a lot of people in here that could say there’s just something about 10 years. There’s something about being together for 20 years, 30 years. Where your heart can just grow cold towards each other. And I think one of the reasons is this is that it’s it’s the idea of resentment. The devil wants your heart to grow cold.

So how do you break free? Number one is this deal with issues early. Deal with issues early. Talk about stuff, right? But before they compound. I can tell you, it’s like some of some of my employees here at the church, like they’ll know. If like we’re having a little beef, I’ll go be like, are we okay? We gotta talk about that a little bit. I don’t want, I don’t want there to be like this resentment that grows towards leadership here at the church because we’re gonna do things that are different than other people, and it’s just so easy to and then fast forward three years, and it’s just like you can’t stand them.

Deal with issues early. Number two, forgive completely, not just 99%, 100%. And if you’re thinking easier said than done, I agree with you. We’re gonna talk about forgiveness here in a couple weeks. But forgiving completely because partial forgiveness is still unforgiveness, and you’re too blessed to be bitter, and your relationships, listen to me, are too important to let them be ruined by small problems compounding over time.

Chronic Offense

Last one is this chronic offense. Chronic offense. Not offense. I know y’all thinking about the eagles, not offense, offense. Ecclesiastes chapter 7, verse 9 says this:

Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit. For anger resides in the lap of fools.

Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit. For anger resides in the lap of you know it’s become trendy lately? Being offended. Like it’s actually popular, right? It’s like it’s like there’s social media accounts, there’s news outlets that are built completely around outrage. Like we we live in a culture of outrage. That’s what sells. That’s what you click on. That’s what you’re taught. You go watch Facebook right now. You know what you’re gonna see? People being offended about a million other things, all kinds of different stuff.

And the world’s gonna, we we talk about this all the time. The world is always trying to recruit you, always trying to recruit you to care about their thing. What’s outrages them, they want you to be outraged too. And if you think that’s just like something that happened, like that happens in relationships too, right? Like, did you see what they said? You know, could you believe can you believe what that pastor said? And can you believe blah blah blah? I if I was to say the number one thing that causes people to leave churches is offense, is issues in their heart that they don’t think are big deals, but after time it separates their relationship, and people just go around life like collecting offenses, like Pokemon cards.

They’re always on the lookout for like the next thing to be upset about. Listen to me, there’s a difference between feeling offended and living offended. One is an emotion that passes through you, the other is a lifestyle that possesses you. And you know what another thing that’s a bummer? Offenses are contagious. Like, I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced this, but it’s like, you know, someone tells you a story about how they were wronged. Right? Like Noah tells me, oh, my best friend Marshall, he was just so terrible to me, blah, blah, blah. And I’m thinking, I’m listening to him, and I’m saying, like, man, I can’t believe he would do that.

That’s so messed up. What’s that guy think he’s doing? Blah, blah. And then, like, before you, like, I wasn’t there. Right? Like, I didn’t witness it. I didn’t see it firsthand, but now suddenly I’m carrying his anger. You’re you’re offended on their behalf. Listen to me. That’s not your offense to carry. Like, counselors know this because y’all say all kinds of things about all kinds of people. Like, if I took on every offense, like I would be furious all the time. And parents, listen to me. If you live offended, your children will inherit that burden. They’ll feel the weight of every grievance you carry.

And that’s one thing that bums me out is when I hear like young kids saying stuff, it’s like clearly just a grievance of their parents. The solution is this to deal with things quickly in your heart. Proverbs chapter 19, verse 11 says this:

A person’s wisdom yields patience. It’s one’s glory to overlook an offense.

Notice it didn’t say it’s easy, right? It says it’s glory. And in the kingdom of God, overlooking a wrong that’s done to you is actually a sign of maturity. I remember I there was a pastor, Gospel Bill, what’s his what’s his real name? Willie George. He taught, he’s a great pastor in Oklahoma, and he he talks about how we need to learn when it comes to relationships to measure with a long stick. And I’m like, what is that measure with a long stick? He says it’s like consider someone over a longer period of time that, like, if you if you versus a short stick, like when you when you measure with a short stick, like you let one bad moment override hundreds of good ones.

But when you measure with a long stick, you look at the whole picture, you know, and so it’s just like so. For me and me and any of you, you know, like I’m I hope you know I never want to have a bad day, but I’m gonna, right. I always want when I’m when I’m up here, I always want this to be the thing that speaks the loudest. But let me tell you, that’s not always gonna happen. Like I’m gonna preach angry. I don’t want to, but just you just gotta know that. You know, like there’s things that happen, and it’s for and I still gotta go up there. Like, it’s not gonna be perfect. It’s not gonna be perfect with Mark, it’s not gonna be perfect with Pastor Cindy, not gonna be per it’s not gonna be perfect with any of us.

But we hope that what you can do is you can see a bigger picture than just one thing, right? And if you come in here and you have a bad day and you complain and you whine and you blah blah blah blah, it’s like we’re gonna love you through that, right? And and the goal though is for that to go both ways, right? That we’re gonna love each other and we’re not gonna let offense come in. So, how do you do that? Here’s my two little pieces of advice. Number one is this develop thicker skin. Like, here’s the good news you can develop thicker skin. Like being super sensitive is not the goal.

It takes time, but you can do it. Like what something what might have taken you six months to get over might now take you only 30 days, and you can come back to church after 30 days instead of six months. You’re still working on it, right? But God helps you to get stronger, develop thicker skin. I’m not going to be offended as easily this year as I was last year. Number two is this refuse to live there. Refuse to live there. The solution isn’t to never feel offended, the solution is to refuse to live there. To make the choice that says, I might feel offended, but I won’t build a house there.

Because at the end of the day, living offended isn’t hurting them nearly as much as it’s hurting you. You’re too blessed to live your life looking for the next thing to be upset about. And so, look, I know that’s a lot, but here’s what I’ve personally learned is this that when the enemy comes to destroy your relationships, he doesn’t use a wrecking ball, he uses a chisel over time. He comes with a chip little by little, day by day, a tiny criticism here, a little judgment there, a little bit of bitterness, a little resentment, and then all of a sudden you fast forward three years, and the relationships that are supposed to be life-giving for you have become life-training.

And so you just have to watch out for those little termites coming in. And you might be thinking, this is too much to remember. Like, I’m not gonna be able to remember all that. You had yet there’s way too much. I’ll say this that all of it, all that I’m talking about, all that we hope to ever talk about is just trying to teach you in practical ways how to live the Jesus way. And so if you ever feel like you’re overwhelmed by lists and to-dos and things and advice, blah blah blah, just understand this: that all we’re trying to do is to teach you how to live like Jesus, and so if it feels overwhelming, if you feel lost in all of the all of this stuff, just come back to this.

Jesus, I want you to disciple me. Jesus, I want you to show me how to treat other people. I can’t think of a more beautiful prayer than Jesus, help me to treat my spouse how you treat me. Like what would Jesus do? It’s such a cliche, but such a profound idea that in everything, every decision that I make, what would Jesus do here? It’s the Jesus way. And we’ll never get it perfect. And we want you to know this that like there’s always new opportunities. What one of the dangers that I think that we run into when it comes to things like this is that is that people feel condemnation because they haven’t done relationships right.

We want you to know there is life, there is hope after divorce. We want you to know there is there’s hope after loss. There is hope, there is life after disappointment. But that God, that God always gives you new mercies, new opportunities, new chances to do it the right way.